HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN
By Becky Rene
Introduction
1. Now, I do not have any children and so you might say, “Oh, what can that girl tell me about raising children?” I will answer that by saying four things:
a. I do have my Bible and the Bible tells us all about raising children and anyone can learn about it, can’t they?
b. I know some parents and they have told me all about raising children.
c. I have been raised by parents and so I know how they raised me and so I know if they raised me properly.
d. I had a lot of help with this lesson from my parents and some other people.
2. Now, I have seen some parents raising their children and everything is going all wrong because those children are not interested in going to worship, they are not interested in reading their Bibles or saying their prayers or anything like that, and they are very disobedient and disrespectful to their parents. So why is that happening?
3. So this lesson is for Christian parents who are trying to raise their children as Christians but things are going all wrong.
PART ONE – PREPARING YOUR HEART
I. Have you studied the Bible about raising children?
A. I spoke to 10 parents and I wrote to 17 parents and I asked them if they have studied what the Bible says about raising children, and I asked them to send me the notes they made of their studies so I could use them to help me with my lesson. Now that is 27 parents I asked and 22 gave me an answer:
1. 8 parents said they read books about raising children: 3 before they had children and 5 after they had their first or second child. 6 of those parents sent me a list of books to read. 7 parents said they did not have any notes and 1 sent me some notes (and I used stuff from their notes in this lesson).
2. 14 parents said they had not read any books about raising children and they had not studied the Bible properly about raising children and so none of them had any notes. But 9 parents sent me some verses to read; those verses were from Deuteronomy, Proverbs, and Ephesians.
B. So then I could see that out of 22 parents only 1 parents studied the Bible. So…
1. If you have studied and followed the Bible about raising children, then you should not be having any problems with your children.
2. If you have not studied the Bible about raising children, then that is why you are having problems.
3. If you have not studied the Bible about raising children and you are having problems with your children, then do not give anyone any advice about raising children until you have studied it and sorted things out.
II. Examine your motives
"Search me, O God, and test my heart; Try me and know my thoughts" (Psalms 139:23)
A. Now why do you want your children to be more spiritual and to be obedient? Is it because you really care about their souls and you want them to be eternally saved or is it because you just want obedient children to make your life easier? You really need to think about that.
B. If you want your children to be spiritual and obedient because you really care about their souls and their eternal salvation, then you will do whatever is necessary to raise them in the right way, won’t you? Well, we will find out by the end of this lesson.
C. Can you check these boxes?
□ I really care about the souls of my children and I want to raise them properly so that they will go to heaven.
□ I am willing to do whatever is necessary to raise my children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
III. Accept responsibility
A. Now some parents make all kinds of excuses to try to explain why their children are not spiritual and why they are so disobedient…
1. Some parents say, “Oh, he was born a bad boy and so that is why he is so disobedient because he was born that way.” So parents try to blame their children. If children are born bad, then what would be the point of training a child in the way he should go?
2. Some parents say, “Oh, it is those teachers at school, they do not discipline those children and so all the good I am doing is being undone by those teachers.” So parents try to blame the teachers. The Bible says that parents are to discipline their children!
3. Some parents say, “Oh, it is all those bad kids he hangs out with all the time; they are a bad influence on him.” So parents try to blame their children’s friends. Well, if you know that bad company corrupts good morals – 1 Corinthians 15.33, then why are you allowing your children to hang out with bad company?
4. Some parents say, “Oh, there are so many bad things on television and there are so many violent games and that is why my son is so bad.” So parents try to blame the media. So turn off the TV!
B. Maybe there are other people or other mediums that you blame for your children’s lack of spirituality and bad behavior but guess what? It is YOU who are to blame!
1. The Bible says it is the parent’s responsibility to raise their children – Proverbs 22.6; Ephesians 6.4.
2. Eli’s sons were very bad priests and maybe when you read that story – 1 Samuel 2:22-25 – you will say, “Oh, Eli’s sons were very bad but he did try to discipline them but they would not listen to him, so it is not Eli’s fault.” But look at what God says about that "In that day I will carry out against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them" - 1 Samuel 3:12-13. Eli might have thought he was disciplining his sons but God says he did not. That is what a lot of parents are like… they think they are disciplining their children just because they tell them that what they are doing is bad but that is not discipline, no.
C. Can you check these boxes?
□ I am responsible for raising my children not anyone else.
□ My children are not spiritual and they are badly behaved and it is MY fault.
IV. Change your mind
A. A chain reaction:
1. Think about people you know who had children that were bad boys and girls… what kind of adults are they now? Are they faithful Christians now?
2. So now they will have children and do you think they will likely be faithful Christians? I think it more likely they will be bad children and then they will have bad children… and it will just go on and on like that.
B. Break the chain:
1. Now, if you want to break this chain, then you have to take some drastic action.
2. But remember, you cannot keep blaming your children or other people; you have to realize that your children are your responsibility.
3. Look at these passages because it shows the chain you should be starting, where you teach your children and your children teach their children and so on:
"I will open my mouth in a parable; I will utter dark sayings of old, Which we have heard and known, And our fathers have told us. We will not conceal them from their children, But tell to the generation to come the praises of the LORD, And His strength and His wondrous works that He has done. For He established a testimony in Jacob And appointed a law in Israel, Which He commanded our fathers That they should teach them to their children, That the generation to come might know, even the children yet to be born, That they may arise and tell them to their children, That they should put their confidence in God And not forget the works of God, But keep His commandments, And not be like their fathers, A stubborn and rebellious generation, A generation that did not prepare its heart And whose spirit was not faithful to God" (Psalms 78:2-8)
"For I am mindful of the sincere faith within you, which first dwelt in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice, and I am sure that it is in you as well" (2 Timothy 1:5)
C. Change your mind:
1. You have to stop thinking that your way is right and start trusting in the Lord:
"Teach me, and I will be silent; And show me how I have erred" (Job 6:24)
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5)
2. You have to start seeking knowledge about what the Bible says about raising children:
"The mind of the intelligent seeks knowledge, But the mouth of fools feeds on folly" (Proverbs 15:14)
"The mind of the prudent acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise seeks knowledge" (Proverbs 18:15)
"Apply your heart to discipline And your ears to words of knowledge" (Proverbs 23:12)
3. You need to change your ways by renewing your mind:
"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:2)
"And that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind" (Ephesians 4:23)
D. Can you check these boxes?
□ I realize that if I do not do something drastic, then my children will grow up to be unbelievers and their children will grow up to be unbelievers and their children will grow up to be unbelievers and so on and so on.
□ I realize that I am responsible for bringing up my children and I am responsible for their going bad and so I must take drastic action to break the chain.
□ I have been bringing up my children in what I thought was the nurture and admonition of the Lord but I have not even studied the Bible properly to know how to raise children and so, in reality, I have been bringing them up my way. But now I am prepared to admit my mistake, study the Bible and find out what God says about raising children.
PART TWO – RAISING YOUR CHILDREN
I. Education
A. You are responsible to educate your children.
"You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up" (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)
"You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates" (Deuteronomy 11:18-20)
"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4)
1. Now you might say, “Oh, that just means religious education.” So you are trying to say that there was religious education that was done by the parents and secular education that was done by teachers at school.
2. Listen to this…
“In these earliest cultural periods, both the nomadic and the agricultural, there was no distinct separation between the spheres of religion and ordinary life. The relation of the people to Yahweh was conceived by them in simple fashion as involving on their part the obligation of filial obedience and loyalty, and on Yahweh's part reciprocal parental care over them as His people. The family was the social unit and its head the person in whom centered also religious authority and leadership, The tribal head or patriarch in turn combined in himself the functions which later were differentiated into those of priest and prophet and king. Education was a matter of purely domestic interest and concern. The home was the only school and the parents the only teachers. But there was real instruction, all of which, moreover, was given in a spirit of devout religious earnestness and of reverence for the common religious ceremonies and beliefs, no matter whether the subject of instruction was the simple task of husbandry or of some useful art, or whether it was the sacred history and traditions of the tribe, or the actual performance of its religious rites. According to Josephus (Ant., IV, viii, 12) Moses himself had commanded, ‘All boys shall learn the most important parts of the law since such knowledge is most valuable and the source of happiness’; and again he commanded (Apion, II, 25) to teach them the rudiments of learning (reading and writing) together with the laws and deeds of the ancestors, in order that they might not transgress or seem ignorant of the laws of their ancestors, but rather emulate their example. Certain it is that the earliest legislation, including the Decalogue, emphasized parental authority and their claim on the reverence of their children: ‘Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long in the land which Yahweh thy God giveth thee’ (Ex 20:12); ‘And he that smiteth his father, or his mother, shall be surely put to death. And he that curseth his father or his mother, shall surely be put to death’ (Ex 21:15,17); while every father was exhorted to explain to his son the origin and significance of the great Passover ceremony with its feast of unleavened bread: ‘And thou shalt tell thy son in that day, saying, It is because of that which Yahweh did for me when I came forth out of Egypt (Ex 13:8)’” (ISBE).
“Elementary schools: Jewish education in the time of Christ was of the orthodox traditional type and in the hands of scribes, Pharisees and learned rabbis. The home was still the chief institution for the dispensation of elementary instruction, although synagogues, with attached schools for the young were to be found in every important Jewish community. Public elementary schools, other than those connected with the synagogues were of slower growth and do not seem to have been common until, some time after Joshua Ben Gamala, high priest from 63-65 AD, ordered that teachers be appointed in every province and city to instruct children having attained the age of 6-7 years. In the synagogue schools the chazzan, or attendant, not infrequently served as schoolmaster (compare SCHOOL; SCHOOLMASTER)” (ISBE).
3. So, you can see from what is said that bringing up children meant teaching them all about spiritual things and about reading and writing and things like that. Parents are responsible for teaching their children, not someone else.
B. So what do you have to do?
1. You have to make sure that you take responsibility for educating your children and bringing them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord – Ephesians 6.4.
2. You should start doing this from the day they are born so that you get into the habit of teaching.
a. So when your children are born you can sing them spiritual songs and read Bible stories. You will be learning yourself at the same time.
b. Now while they are still young, you can be getting books and other stuff and learning that. So when they get older you will be ready to teach them.
C. Now let us look at some questions some of you might ask:
1. Now some of you might say, “Oh, I am not educated enough to teach my children.” Do you mean that you cannot even read Bible stories? Do you mean that you cannot even teach them their colors or teach them to read and write? I think you can do that, yes. Maybe you are thinking about what you will be teaching them when they get older, aren’t you? Well that is why I said (above) that you can start buying books and learning about that while they are still young. Now if things get too difficult you can get some help but I will talk about that in a minute.
2. Some of you might ask, “Oh, what is wrong with sending my children to a state school?” Did you go to a state school? Do you have children who go to a state school? Do you watch the news? Have you seen the way children behave who go to state school? Then you should know what is wrong with state schools! Now that does not mean that all kinds of schools are bad, no.
a. State schools are bad because…
1) God is left out in everything. They do not bring God into any of the subjects they teach. My friend Bridgett had a class and this is what that teacher said, “Where did the universe come from? There are many myths about this and some people think that there is a God who created everything. But that is not scientific and, anyway, there is no such thing as God. The universe just suddenly came into existence because of a big bang…” This is what a Christian teacher would say, “Oh, now in Genesis 1 we can read about how God created the universe and today we are going to look at our solar system that God created.” Whatever subject is being taught, connecting it with God and giving Him the glory should introduce it – 1 Corinthians 10.31; 1 Peter 4.11.
“Ponder this... What would Jesus say about our local public schools? Would He encourage us to send our children to a humanistic history class, where there is little mentioned (if any) of Him or God the Father? Would Jesus approve today's science text book, which matter-of-factly teaches the earth is millions of years old, and He had nothing to do with its creation? Would Jesus be pleased that children across this country are exposed to safe-sex education without being taught the union of marriage, in the purest sense? Answers to all of these questions are obvious... of course not!” (James Osmond www.trainupchildren.com/lets_talk/homeschool_why.html)
The home page is www.trainupchildren.com/
2) They encourage immorality. They allow mixed bathing and playing sports together where they are dressed immorally, boys and girls are allowed to socialize unsupervised and form intimate relationships. They also have proms where they have dancing. Schools also teach that homosexuality is normal and they encourage students to explore their sexuality.
3) They are places where worldly attitudes are learnt. At school your children learn disrespect for authority (like teachers and policemen), disrespect for people (like old folks and those not in their social group), disrespect for property (that is why you see graffiti all over the place); they learn how to cuss and that it is ok (you do hear children cussing don’t you?), they learn about all that sexy stuff and that you do not have to wait to get married (girls are having sex younger and younger all the time. Not just sexual intercourse but other kinds of sexy stuff as well. Maybe you understand what I mean?), and they learn that beauty, fashion, covetousness, and being famous are the most important things in life. I could write pages and pages but I had better stop here. I think you have to be spiritually blind if you cannot see that state schools are bad places for children, and I think you have to be deluded if you think that you can do anything significant to stop them becoming worldly minded.
4) They are dangerous places. You keep on hearing about kids who take knives and other weapons into school and they threaten and bully other kids. You also get crazy people going into schools and shooting to kill people. A lot of kids bring drugs into school as well. One of my friends says that at her school she has seen kids with knives and guns and drugs. She sees kids being bullied all the time as well. Who wants to send their children to a place like that?! If you do send your children to a state school, then maybe they are being bullied or maybe they are one of the bullies! Maybe your child is offered drugs or maybe your child is offering the drugs. Children are very good at deceiving their parents, yes.
5) They corrupt your children:
a) Some people say, “Oh, maybe state schools are bad but they prepare children for real life.” The Bible says that in real life the whole world lies in the power of the evil one – 1 John 5.19. You are allowing that school to train your children to love the world, and those who love the world make themselves enemies of God – James 4.4.
b) Some people say, “Oh, maybe those schools are bad places full of bad influences but we have a family devotion every day, so they will not be affected by those bad influences.” You are deceiving yourself, yes, because the Bible says that bad company corrupts good morals – 1 Corinthians 15.33. Your boasting is not good because you should realize that a little leaven leavens the whole lump – 1 Corinthians 5.6; 2 Timothy 2.16. If you leave your children in that bad place, then they will suffer harm – Proverbs 13.20.
c) Some people say, “Oh, children need to socialize with all kinds of people.” Well, they are doing more than socializing! They are forming close relationships with kids who are learning how to be worldly and ungodly and the Bible says do not be bound together with unbelievers – 2 Corinthians 6.14. If this applies to Christians, then how much more does it apply to children?
d) Some people say, “Oh, Jesus said we must let our light shine and so my children need to be in that school so they can be a good example to those kids.” Well, Jesus did say we must let our light shine – Matthew 5.16 – but that does not mean we can go to bad places to do that, does it? Maybe I should go to a strip joint for 6 hours every day so I can let my light shine there? Or maybe I should go to one of those gambling places in Las Vegas for 6 hours every day so I can let my light shine there? I do not think my mom and dad would be very happy about that! No. Now I do let my light shine before people in the world but I do that without going to bad places and the Bible tells us to stay away from bad places – Proverbs 4.15 (NLT version).
e) Some people say, “Oh, I went to a state school but I am a Christian.” Well, it is very good that you became a Christian but how many other kids from your school became faithful Christians? So all you have done is to prove what I have being saying. You are the exception that proves the rule. How many of those other kids might be faithful Christians if they had been home-schooled?
b. So now you can see why state schools are so bad. Worldly people do not mind sending their children to a state school because the way those kids behave is just normal to them and they think it is good that God is left out of everything and they do not think anything they are being taught is immoral. So they cannot even see anything wrong with those schools. But Christian parents can see that those schools are bad, can’t they? No Christian would seriously want to send their children to a state school, no. Look what the Bible says about keeping bad company – 1 Corinthians 15.33; Job 34.8. If you still think that state schools are good, then maybe that is because you went to a state school and it shows how much you have been influenced in your mind to think they are good and normal. It is normal for people to drink alcohol but it is not good. It is quite normal to send children to a state school but it is not good.
3. Some of you parents might say, “Oh, so are you saying that all types of schools are bad?” Well, it is not something I say, it is something you should be able to see! But I am not saying that all types of schools are bad, no. This is what I think…
a. All Christian parents should make sure they are prepared to home-school their children. That is the best way. It is best for you and it is best for your children.
b. Here are three things you can do…
1) You should only send your children to school if it is impossible to home-school them. But you have to make sure you choose a good Christian school where they include God in everything they teach, where they have proper discipline, where they teach morality, and where the parents are involved so that they know what is going on.
2) If you are really finding it hard to home-school, then you can hire a Christian teacher to come to your home and help you. But you have to be really involved to make sure they are being taught properly.
3) This is what is happening with me: now my mom has to raise me on her own and she has a career and she does a lot of travelling. She would really like to stay at home and home-school me but that is impossible for her. So she found three other parents who were having the same problem, and then they all hired a teacher and she teaches us. She is a Christian and she brings God into every lesson that we do: English, History, IT, Business Studies, Chemistry, and all those other subjects. Now all those parents meet our teacher once every two weeks and they talk about what is going on and make sure that we are being taught properly.
4. Now some parents will say, “Oh, I already send my children to a state school, so what can I do?” Well, I think you should take them out of that school, I really do. In some places that is easy to do but in other places that is hard to do. I think you just need to pray about it and explain to God that you really want to do what is best for your children and raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, and I am sure he will help you – Philippians 4.6. If you have young children, then there is a good chance you can bring them up in the way they should go if you get them out of that state school now. If you have teenagers, then you still need to get them out of that state school but you may not be able to influence them very much; it may be too late. If you have very young children, then you have a chance to do what is best for them and home-school them and bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
5. Now there might be lots of other questions you have but you should not be looking for reasons to send your children to a state school, you should be making plans to home-school them, and you should not be looking for objections to home-schooling but looking at how you can overcome the difficulties.
II. Family life
A. Teaching your children all about God. Now we looked at these Scriptures already - Deuteronomy 6.5-7; 11.18-20; Ephesians 6.4. You can see from those Scriptures that a 1 hour Bible study every day is not good enough is it? No. Those Scriptures say that you should be teaching your children all through the day and that is what you must do. So this is how you do that…
1. It is a good idea to get all your children up early at the same time everyday, get showered and dressed, and then give them breakfast. Now breakfast is when you have your first prayer because we must always give thanks for our food or God will not sanctify it – 1 Timothy 4.4-5.
2. Then you have your family devotion. You can do this anyway you want but this is my suggestion: open with a prayer of thanks for keeping you safe through the night and for the blessing of a new day. Then have a Bible reading that has to do with how we should behave as Christians. Then have a song, like, Count Your Blessings or What A Friend We Have In Jesus. Then close with a prayer asking God to keep you safe throughout the day.
3. Then at lunch time you can have a Bible reading. You can read about Abraham or Joseph or Jonah or somebody like that. You can try to have a song that fits in with the story as well. Make sure you start and finish with prayers. Now if you send your children to school, then make sure you give them a reading to do at lunch break.
4. Then after supper time, have your family devotion. Now this devotion might last from 30 minutes to 1 hour. So you could start with a prayer, then have a study, some songs, and then finish with a prayer.
5. Now when it comes to bed time, you could encourage them to read their Bibles for a short while and say their prayers before going to sleep.
6. Throughout the day, if you home-school, it is very important to make sure you bring God into every subject that you are teaching them. Like, if you have an English class, you could start by asking where all the different languages come from and then read about that in Genesis 11. If you go the mall or the grocery store, then maybe you can talk to your children about the trees and plants you see along the way and tell them how God created all those things, and when you get to the store, you can talk about the grace of God in giving us our daily food. So you can see that it is very easy to bring God into everything, and that is what you are supposed to do, yes.
B. Discipline. Parents are responsible to discipline their children – Proverbs 13.24; 19.18; 22.15; 23.13-14; 29.15, 17; Ephesians 6.4; Hebrews 12.9, 11. Now discipline is not just about punishing your children, it is about training them. This is where a lot of parents fail, but if you do not learn to discipline your children then all that education will be for nothing. Education and discipline go together. So here are some of my ideas:
1. Allowances, treats, and light responsibilities. It is very important to do these things:
a. Allowances: right from the start you have to figure out when you are going to start giving your children their allowance. Maybe 8 years old is a good age. So, children from 8-10 could have an allowance of $10 a month, children from 10-13, $20 a month, and children from 13-16, $30 a month. So that means their allowance increases as they get older. If they go to college then you might still give them an allowance but they might get work as well and get their own money. It is very important that you give children an allowance but how much you give them is up to you. It is also important that you get them to save some of that allowance each month as well. They will need money for when they go to college and stuff like that. It is a good idea to give them an allowance because you need to cut or stop their allowance when they are naughty.
b. Treats: make sure your children have fun things to do. So, you might let them watch 1 hour of TV three times every week (but be very careful about what you let them watch), invite friends over for sleepovers once a month, go out bowling or to the movies once a week or once a month, go on outings to the park or the zoo or to a museum or something like that once a month… I am sure you can think of lots more things that your children would like to do as treats (It would be very good if some of those treats were educational). But you must make sure that those things are done as treats. Well, if you let your children watch TV for 4 hours everyday then that is not a treat is it? It is a good idea to have all kinds of nice treats for your children because you need to be able to take away treats when they are naughty.
c. Light responsibilities. Each of your children should have light responsibilities and chores to do. The young children have the fewest responsibilities and the oldest children have the most. So, everyone has to make up their own bed in the morning, one child has to take out the trash, an older child has to put the younger ones to bed and wash the dishes… It is up to you how you divide up the chores but just make sure that a child is given more responsibility as they get older. Responsibilities and chores should not be burdensome, but easy, because hard chores are for when they are naughty.
2. Punishments. Now what do you do if your children are being naughty? Well, now you can see why you give your children an allowance, treats, and light chores and responsibilities, because now you have a way of punishing your children. Now it depends how old they are and how naughty they have been and you will have to decide what is appropriate. But here is what you can do…
a. You can cut or stop their allowance for that month. Children really like to have an allowance, yes, so if you cut it or stop it for that month, then they will be very unhappy about that, they really will. But it will deter them from being naughty and encourage them to behave.
b. You can take away a treat. So you might say they cannot watch TV at all for one week or they cannot have a friend come and sleepover or they cannot go to the park or something like that (You can still treat the whole family and take them bowling and get a babysitter for that naughty girl or boy). They will be very mad at you but they will know what happens when they are naughty.
c. You can give a naughty child extra responsibilities. So you might say they have to clean out the toilets or wash the car every day or something else that is very hard. So they will learn that being naughty means hard labor. Children do not like chores anyway but they definitely do not like hard labor, no.
d. You can ground them. You have to do something very, very bad to get grounded. Like one time, I told mom a big lie and so she grounded me for two weeks and I was very unhappy and miserable for that whole two weeks. But guess what? I did not tell anymore lies after that.
1) Now some people have different ideas about what it means to be grounded, so here is my understanding (and experience) of it:
a) It means you are not allowed to go out at all. You are allowed to go to school, of course, but you cannot go to the mall with friends after school or anything like that, or go on sleepovers, or go on treats like bowling or going to the park… you just have to sit in doors all the time while you are grounded.
b) It means you are not allowed to have friends come over or call you, no TV, no computer, no cellphone or anything like that.
c) It also means you have to do extra chores and do a lot more revising (school work I am talking about).
c) It also means you lose your allowance for a month (even if you are only grounded for a week).
2) So you can see that being grounded is very, very bad and your children will get very frightened if you say, “Oh, listen, if you do that again you will be grounded.” Whenever my mom threatened to ground me, I would shake in my boots with fear, I really would, because I did not like being grounded, no. But make sure your children understand what being grounded means or they will say it is unfair because they did not know that was going to happen.
3) Here are some additional thoughts by Carolyn Pinon…
Also, be sure that you, as the parent, keep your word and follow through with what you say you will do. If you give in and do not punish your child like you said that you would, this becomes ineffective as punishment. Your child will soon be playing a game of "Let's see if they really mean what they say" and they will start challenging your authority as the parent. This will also breed disrespect for you because your word cannot be trusted. Also, do not play the game of "Let's see how many times he or she will tell me to do something before I have to respond." Be sure you have your child's complete attention and explain what you want him or her to do (or not to do), then if he or she does not respond promptly (and with a respectful attitude) let your punishment come swift and sure.
Of utmost importance is the attitude of the child. Never, never ever overlook a response or an attitude (even a look) of disrespect in your child. Disrespect deserves immediate punishment for the child's own good and for establishing that you definitely expect respect. Start this training in your child from the earliest time that your child is able to understand that you are punishing them for a wrong kind of response. They will start to test you even before they are able to talk. Respond with an appropriate response to show the child that you are displeased with that kind of behavior.
Small children know when they are being disobedient, and they will challenge your authority. Never, never act like you think he/she is "cute" when they talk back or act sassy or when they do anything to disobey what you have clearly told them. If you let this go, you are training the child in the wrong direction, and it will become a pattern that is harder to change as the child gets older. Do not punish a child for an innocent accident, like spilling milk unintentionally. But if children continue to act-up at the table and you have corrected them and told them plainly to stop something before they have an accident, then it is proper to punish a child who does not listen and obey what you have said. When a child is forgetful of a chore or something you have told them to do, give a reminder and give them a chance to follow through before jumping on them with harsh words or punishment. We all need mercy at times, but we don't want to establish a pattern in the child of always needing to be reminded to do something, so you need to develop a way to get this across, too.
One thing that must be uppermost in your discipline and punishment: the children must feel the great love you have for them, and you need to explain that punishment is God's way for parents to help children not to choose wrong ways to behave. Let them know that it will make us be happier people when we choose the right way. Punishment helps us to be wise to make the right kinds of decisions for our lives. Don't punish out of anger or frustration. This sets a wrong kind of behavior before our children, one that we would not want them to copy.
If you, as the parent, from the beginning will train your children to obey promptly and respectfully then your life will be rewarded wonderfully by having good, obedient, and respectful children. But consistency is the key here. You cannot be on again / off again in how you train your children. It doesn't work that way. Here are a few verses that apply as to how the Lord wants us to copy His example of chastening disobedience:
"If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons…. Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby" (Hebrews 12.7-8, 11).
"He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently" (Proverbs 13.24).
"Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying" (Proverbs 19.18).
"Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22.15).
"Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you beat him with the rod, he will not die." "You shall beat him with a rod, And deliver his soul from hell" (Proverbs 23.13-14).
"Correct your son, and he will give you rest; Yes, he will give delight to your soul" (Proverbs 29.17).
Notice how "the rod" is mentioned in the verses above. This never means a severe beating of a child. Never. We should never be cruel in our correction, either verbally or physically. This is wrong. But there is a proper way to apply "the rod," or "spanking" (as we more often refer to it now.) The proper place to apply this punishment is to the area that has the most padding, and just enough pressure to cause an awareness that this is something unpleasant that the child will not want to happen to him again.
But with most children it will take several occasions for them to learn the lesson well. This type of punishment, if started soon enough, will leave a lasting impression, and as the child becomes older there are more appropriate types of punishment to use. But punishment that truly brings correction is what we are looking for. Don't be satisfied if a child acts as if, or says, "that didn't hurt!" in a defiant way. This is a sign that the punishment did not get the desired result. Don't let the child "get away" with that kind of defiance. Punishment should hurt to accomplish what is sought, that being a good and humble and obedient child.
Again, let the child always feel your love for him and know that you are punishing him for his own good. Talk punishment over before it comes time for you to have to administer it, according to the age level of each child. Small children do not understand "reasoning." Reasoning is not punishment, and small children are not capable of understanding this kind of discipline, if you can call it that. When a child does something bad, the thing that gets the message across is for him to feel a little pain and displeasure for what he has done wrong. This gets the message across, but trying to "reason" with a child as a form of punishment, isn't punishment and doesn't work.
III. Choosing friends for your children
A. Parents are responsible for bringing up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord – Ephesians 6.4.
1. Now you do not want anyone to start spoiling that discipline and instruction you are giving your children do you?
a. Why would you teach your children that taking the name of the Lord in vain is bad – Deuteronomy 5.11; Exodus 20.7 - and then let them watch Friends (that program has blaspheming in it)? Why would you teach your children that cussing is bad – Ephesians 4.29; Colossians 3.8 - and then allow them to hang out with friends who cuss all the time? That bad company WILL corrupt the good morals you are trying to teach them, yes – 1 Corinthians 15.33.
b. Why would you teach your children that doing all that sexy stuff before getting married is bad – Hebrews 13.4; 1 Corinthians 7.2 - and then let them go on a date unsupervised? Why would you teach your children that drunkenness is bad – Romans 13.13; 1 Corinthians 6.9-10 - and then let them go to an unsupervised party?
2. So you can see that you have to make sure that you choose your children’s friends very carefully. So here is what you must do…
a. Now if your children go to a state school then all those kids will be very worldly because their parents are not bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, no. So that means it is very hard for you to choose good friends for your children. So maybe you need to take them out of that school and put them in a Christian school or home-school them or something like that. But if you cannot do that then I think they will be very influenced by those worldly kids and their good morals will become corrupted. Now you might try to tell yourself that it will not happen and you can deny it all you want but the Bible says "Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals" - 1 Corinthians 15.33. If you really love your children and you really want them to be in heaven then you need to get them out of that state school, you really do.
b. If your children go to a Christian school then you know that those kids will not be so worldly because their parents are trying to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord just like you are. So make sure you ask about what friends they have at school and tell them to invite those friends to the house to do their homework and have supper or something like that, and then you can get to see if they are going to be good friends. Then make sure you get to know their parents so you can talk to them about things.
c. If you home-school your children then you can find friends for your children in your church and you can find other parents who are home-schooling their kids and maybe your children can be friends with their children.
B. Now even when you have chosen some good friends for your children, you must make sure that you have control of things. This is what I mean…
1. If you child has friends over or they go over to their friend’s house then make sure they are supervised all the time. You do not have to stay in the room all the time but you must keep checking on them to make sure things are ok. Make sure they are not watching bad things on TV or watching bad movies or going to bad places on the Internet or listening to bad music and all kinds of stuff like that.
2. Now children like to go places together don’t they? Like the movies or bowling or shopping at the mall or something like that. Now they should have an adult with them to supervise them at all times. So you have to make sure you organise days out for them to those places. Now if they are mature enough and you trust them then you can let them go out together on their own to places. But you have to make sure you know where they are going and you have to give them a time to be back. Make sure they have their cellphone so you can call them to make sure they are being good and to make sure they are safe.
IV. Dating
A. Imagine if you got a new car and you started the engine, shifted it into gear, put something on the gas pedal to hold it down, and then just let that car go off down the street on it own. Now what do you think would happen? Well, I think you know what would happen don’t you? So that car would start going down the street and people would say, “Oh, that is such a nice car, it really is.” But that car will go faster and faster and then it will start to get out of control and end up smashing into something and your new car will just be a wreck and you will have to have it towed and crushed. So you can see that a car needs to have someone in it to control the speed and steer it in the right direction so it does not crash into things or even hurt someone. Now that is what children are like! Children start off all brand new and everyone says, “Oh, that is such a beautiful baby, it really is.” But if you just let that baby grow up on its own without any control (discipline) and steering (guidance) then they will just end up wrecking their lives and they will not being going to heaven. But you will be responsible. Now look what the Bible says…
1. Children are not born bad they are innocent and the kingdom of God belongs to them – Matthew 19.14; Mark 10.14. So that means parents have to bring them up in the way they should go – Proverbs 22.6.
2. The Bible says that children have foolishness bound up in their hearts – Proverbs 22.15. So that means that Parents need to discipline their children – Proverbs 13.24.
3. Children think like children and talk like children and reason like children – 1 Corinthians 13.11. So that means we cannot expect them to behave like adults would in a bad environment, like worldly schools. Children are still being trained up and being instructed. So if you leave them to themselves then they will bring shame upon you – Proverbs 29.15.
B. Now you might be saying, “Oh, what has all that got to do with dating?” Well, children need to be brought up in the way they should go because they do not know the way, they will behave foolishly without supervision because foolishness is bound up in their hearts, and they will behave immaturely because they are immature. So that means it is irresponsible and inappropriate to leave boys and girls on their own because they will go in a way they should not go, act foolishly, and behave immaturely. Now you know that children are doing all that sexy stuff younger and younger and you see so many unmarried mothers, and, even worse, you see more and more teenagers having abortions. That is because parents keep letting their children date who they want, when they want, where they want, and without supervision. So here is what you must do…
1. When you let boys and girls play together, they must be supervised, and the older they get, the more supervision they need.
2. When your children want to start dating then make sure they are going to a public place where there are lots of people, and they should ALWAYS have someone go with them. The person that goes with them should be 18 or older and that person is called a chaperone. Maybe they can go to public places on their own when they are engaged.
Summary
PART ONE – PREPARING YOUR HEART
1. Have you studied? Everybody knows about Proverbs 22.6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it,” and Ephesians 6.4, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” But many parents have not really studied to see all that the Bible says about raising children. They just read those two verses and then do things their own way and think they are doing what the Bible says (Like Eli). So if you have not studied what the Bible says about raising children and your children are not interested in going to church or reading their Bibles or anything like that, then now you know why.
2. Are your motives right? It is very important to figure out why you are suddenly interested in what the Bible says about raising children, and that means you must examine your motives: is it because you just want better behaved children to make life easier for you or are you really worried about your children going to heaven? So do you have the right motives?
3. Do you accept responsibility? Parents make all kinds of excuses when their children are going bad and they try to blame someone or something else but themselves. But you have to accept responsibility… it is your fault. If you cannot accept that, then I do not think things will get any better, no. So make sure you accept the responsibility.
4. Have you changed your mind? You have to change your mind; you have to stop doing things your way and decide to do things God’s way; and that means making some hard decisions. If you really love your children and worry about them going to heaven, then you will do whatever is necessary for the sake of their souls.
PART TWO – RAISING YOUR CHILDREN
1. Education. Parents are responsible for educating their children, and that means teaching them about God and about reading and writing.
2. Family life. Parents should be teaching their children about God through the whole day. Parents should make sure they have things to deprive their children of when they need to be punished: an allowance, treats, and light responsibilities. Do not shout or say bad things to your children because that does not work. Always punish when you say you will.
3. Choosing friends for your children. It is very important for your children to have friends but you must make sure you choose their friends because bad friends will undermine your training and discipline.
4. Dating. The brains of children and teenagers are still growing and so they are immature and foolishness is bound up in their hearts and they do not have a lot of self-control. So you can see that it is very inappropriate to leave boys and girls on their own or go on a date on their own; they should always have adult supervision and especially on dates.
Application